I finally got myself to order a copy of the TV show Spoorloos (Without a Trace 14-05-2001), where I got to meet my mother. It was an incredible moment, of course.
Throughout my childhood, I felt completely Dutch, but there was always something missing. My friends had their parents—their blood relatives—something I had missed all my life. The older I became, the more this became an issue.
My plan was to have a wife and children of my own, to create blood relatives here in the Netherlands. However, I increasingly began to realize that I was attracted to men. My dream of building a family that way was crushed. Struggling with my sexuality and not being happy about being gay, I fell into a deep depression while I was a student.
My wish to meet my biological family grew stronger, which is why I signed up for a show like Spoorloos, even though I wasn’t comfortable sharing my story in that way. My goal of filling the void of not knowing my blood relatives outweighed my reservations about exposing my private life.
For my mother, she was happy to see that I had grown up in wealth in the Netherlands. Materialistically, I can only agree. But looking back at my family in the show, I realize I’ve always felt “poor” in another way—by not knowing my biological family. Seeing them water the plants together felt bittersweet. I wished that I was part of that as well.
To some degree, I’ve always felt isolated and alone in the Netherlands. This isolation has only grown worse due to severe ME, where I’m not able to see anyone at all. I only have my elderly adoptive father and no other family members.
It’s strange to think I have so many family members in Sri Lanka, some of whom don’t even know I exist. I have siblings, and I’m even a “guncle,” but I don’t feel that way at all. I haven’t had a chance to explore these relationships because of my debilitating ME.
I am, of course, grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had throughout my life. Also if I had been ill in Sri Lanka, it would’ve been impossible as well. That said, not having my own family has made living with severe ME much harder to bear and I think it will only worsen over time.
These life’s challenges have shaped me. For the better and for the worse, but they have also taught me the value of hope, love, and perseverance. Maybe that’s why I hold on? There’s still so much I need to explore. Let’s hope that science will move quickly so I will get the chance to do so. But will I??
